“All Joy and No Fun”
Have you read this article yet? No, go read it, I’ll wait for you to read all 6 pages.
Yesterday I received my baby fix. We were at my cousin Megan’s house and their friend had his baby over. She was just 2 months old and at that stage where she isn’t too picky about who holds her. It’s funny how babies have the ability to make you feel like a monster pariah-WHAT?! YOU WON’T LET ME, A STRANGER, HOLD YOU!? JERK! I don’t know why baby rejection makes people feel so bad, it just does. But thankfully, this baby loved me and that of course, made me feel great. This baby loves me, ME! ME! ME! ME!
(I’m self-banned from touching babies-this is what they do to me)
I had started to read this article that afternoon, but only hopped onto page three before we left. So while I held, coddled and cooed stranger baby into loving me, I couldn’t help but think about it. Additionally, since I had only reached page three I didn’t have (ha) the full story.
I thought about how of course she was great at 2 months… but what about the future? I’m so empathetic I cry at hallmark commercials, I can’t even watch war movies because they affect me for days. How on earth will I be able to relate to my child’s successes and failure without losing my mind?
After reading the last page I think the takeaway is this (from Tom Gilovich)”Should you value moment-to-moment happiness more than retrospective evaluations of your life?” This is important, because as a parent it appears that your moment to moment happiness is lessened by children, but that your retrospective evaluations of your life are pretty great.
As someone who literally went from saying “I like other people’s kids, but am unsure about having my own” to “ooooo! Baby! ME HOLD BABY?!” I’m just not sure what my answer is in regards to children. When you have children, you give up so much for them. I wonder if I will ever feel it is the right time. Will we ever have “enough” money? Will I ever lose “enough” weight to become pregnant?
Not to mention, deciding which country to raise children in. Talk about a big decision! Hypothetically speaking, say we decide which country to have them in, are we tied to our familial geographical locations? Can we raise our nonexistent kids on our own, without familial help? Would we even want to? My cousins, aunts, uncles and certainly grandparents were a large part of my upbringing. I can’t imagine life without them. Will our kids have to? Will they know the close ties that cousins can provide?
When it comes to kids, there are too many questions and not enough answers.
ps. Sorry this post is old, but I am clearing out my drafts!
September 1st, 2010 at 11:08 am
I read this article a month ago and had a post sitting in drafts and just never could finish it. Sounds like we have SO MANY of the same questions…including the country one. The Brit has dual citizenship and it ends with him unless we go back to the UK. Half his family is there, half here. Money will probably determine it.
These 3 quotes stuck with me:
“They’re a huge source of joy, but they turn every other source of joy to shit.”
“moments of transcendence, not an overall improvement in well-being.”
“They just think that Americans are a little too complicated about everything (regarding raising children).”
I love children but they freak me out……..because I like my freedom. We plan to have one anyway, but I change my mind hourly:)
September 1st, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Ohhhh yeah. I hear you. And it sounds like I’ve gone through a similar progression to you and kids – growing up I always wanted my siblings to have kids so that I could be an aunt, I never wanted my own. Then I met B and for the first time I could actually see myself having kids. And then about a year ago, it went from huh, maybe, to omg I want a baby now! And no, I’m not actually going to try for kids for another couple of years, but whenever I’m around a baby I just want to snuggle with them! (and I totally hear you on baby rejection! Makes me feel like I broke the baby!)
September 9th, 2010 at 12:09 pm
Man, I could have written this post. Especially the part about where to raise them. I grew up with my cousins on my dad’s side like my sisters, my father’s brothers and my mother’s brother are, to this day, some of my best friends, and I *looked forward to* my dad’s annual huge family reunions. I see my Great Granny on my Mom’s side at least twice a year, and it’s not just a perfunctory visit, I actually *know* her and we have a great relationship… I would want my potential kids to have the same, but I really, really have no interest in settling in Texas- where family on both sides live in a 3 hour radius from each other. Plus, I’ve seen how awesome my cousin had it when she had her babies- every weekend she and her husband could go out, because they had a never ending stream of free, adoring babysitters who literally fought over babysitting rights and would say “oh, let him stay the night, you two enjoy some time alone”. Having family around makes a huge difference, but then, again, I’d have to live in Texas?! I don’t even know if I want to live in America at this point!
The thing that freaks me out about kids is that they’re cute and snuggly little nuggets when they’re *babies*, but, um, then they’re teenagers. And that’s a whole ‘nother story that no one seems to think about when it comes to having kids. I can handle birth to about 10, but then things get very, very complicated. Selfishly, I think it’s a scary gamble to give up your life to raise another human who may, in the end, not have a very good/close relationship with you despite your best tries. I’ve seen family friends go through their child being addicted to drugs, stealing, becoming a homeless criminal..yeah, that pretty much killed them.