I’m so crap at decisions, I can’t even decide my own name.
Remember the first name post? or the second? or the third!? Or how I wrote about how poor I am at decision making? Well, combine that all into an “I’m 25 and I can’t name myself sandwich”.
I know… I know I said that we played rock paper scissors and I lost, and I said that I was fine with that. It’s just that the issue of a name change kept arising. Everywhere I turned people were asking me to make a decision about it. It wasn’t just about the wedding, sure there were the questions of what we should be announced as when we headed down the aisle, as we headed into the reception etc. The occasions just went so far beyond that.
I started a new job and had interviewed under my birth name, but I lost at rock, paper, scissors, so I asked them to use my new last name on my first day. I had to change my computer log in, database log in, phone, my email.. on and on! Then they asked about my business cards, and the sign for my office and I caved. I went for the double barrel because I just couldn’t imagine hiding my birth name in my middle name any longer. It just didn’t feel like me to say “first name completely different last name” to introduce myself. In fact, I’ve found myself channeling Madonna and Cher. When I meet someone new, even if it’s for work, I only use my first name. It’s my safety blanket, the one name I feel completely comfortable with at the moment.
I went on a series of business trips that called for air travel and since I had asked everyone at work to use my married name my tickets were booked in my married name. So my travel rewards programs had to be in my new name. None of my identification had been changed, so everywhere I went I carried my marriage license. The TSA was none too pleased to have me gallivanting around the airport with differing forms of ID. My new employer health insurance has my married name, so does my insurance card. So I’ve had to change my name at each doctor I see and at my pharmacy. It’s still strange to hear myself referred to as “Mrs. Married name” or as a couple to be known as “The Marrieds”
I’m reminded about this decision at least once a week and I still don’t know what I want to do. Mr.D said he’d be just fine if I stayed “D’orsay” and he’d stay “D”, but odd as it is I don’t think I’d be comfortable with that solution. I’m in a spot where I want to recognize our union in our name, but I don’t want to disown my family name either.
Obviously, I ultimately want both of us to feel comfortable with our married name(s). Instead of the quick “easy” process I thought it would be, it’s clearly going to be a long road to figuring out what works. I’ll let you know if we hit that goal before our first anniversary.
Anyone else taking the long road with the name decision?
November 25th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
It’s so crazy you posted about this today b/c I was thinking about this on my way into work this morning. I was so sad about giving up my last name when I was engaged. J and I had a HUGE fight one night, there were tears (me) and we sat in my car so long my battery died. Anyway, we ultimately decided I would change my last name to be Allison Middle HisLast. I never wanted to have my last as my middle name so I was just going to give up my maiden name
I was sad about it for a long time, but I knew it was the best solution. Plus, we agreed all our children would have my Maiden name as their middle name.
After we got married and I went back to work from my honeymoon I had IT keep my email the same but change my name to be Allison (Maiden) NewLast. I started always putting my Maiden name in parentheses or changing off between using my Maiden name or my NewLast. The past week I’ve noticed a stronger desire to get my IDs changed so I can just go by Allison NewLast. I think I just hate the limbo.
It also makes me smile when I see that J and I have the same last name now. I’m still not trilled with what name that is (b/c my Maiden name is AWESOME) but I’m MUCH happier with it then I was 6 mos ago
Anywho, that is my long road. Good Luck with whatever you decide
November 29th, 2009 at 12:54 am
Yeah, it’s hard, eh? I did a reverse hyphenation: Wade’sLastName – MaidenName because it flows MUCH better. And by much, I mean much better. So it confuses people. Socially, I don’t care if people call me by my “maiden” or “married” name. Professionally, I go by my maiden name. It’s just as easy.
I don’t know about the UK or US, but in Canada, my solution is fine. You can even legally maintain your maiden name but socially go by your married name, as long as you’re not doing it for “fraudulent reasons”.
It’s easier to change your name here, from what I’ve heard, than in the US, too, because of the way things are set up. (That being said, it’s not like it’s THAT much easier.)
November 29th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
I legally changed mine to Firstname Maiden Hislast from Firstname Middle Middle Maiden. But I’m continuing to use my maiden name professionally, and I try to always use my new middle maiden name as much as I can, so it’s more like a hyphenation (without the hyphen) and the names get equal clout.
So I’m Ms Maiden at work, and Mrs Hislast for the bank and my passport. It’s the best of both worlds, I reckon.
By the way, my mother kept her maiden name professionally, but has both names on her passport – ‘Mrs Firstname Hislast, also known as Ms Firstname Maiden’. It solves the problem of having tickets booked in the ‘wrong’ name.
By the way I love your blog and am a long-time lurker/reader!
December 2nd, 2009 at 1:08 pm
We’re taking the veeeery long road. We got married over a year ago and both still use our birth names, even though the plan was for both of us to add a new, shared last name that would be shared with any future children. We still plan on it. But the actual process of name changing is such a pain, we knew that we didn’t want to do it right away and mess with passports for international travel in the next month. And then there was change in employment and the fact that I just was not ready to take the name we’d settled on.
It is important to me to actually choose a name rather than simply slip into something, but I guess that has meant that I have been choosing my birth name. We still talk about it regularly, so it is only a matter of time before something happens… I hope.